I'm posting this here because when I tried to post it directly into Facebook, Facebook had a minor temper tantrum.
This is a lot harder for me to do than it probably should
be. That’s partly why I’m posting it like this, I think.
Some of you already know. Some of you will have guessed, and
there may well be some people who are surprised. Some of you won’t give a toss.
That’s okay.
There will be some people who will be happy for me, and there
may be some people who won’t want anything to do with me any more. I wish it
didn’t bother me so much that I don’t know who will fall on which side of that
list.
Of all the people I’ve told so far, not one has failed to be
completely supportive. I’ve had hugs, I’ve had tears (mostly mine), I’ve had
prayers, I’ve had a few (mostly funny) jokes made about at my expense, and I’ve
had copious amounts of tea.
Although it’s still stupidly, unnecessarily difficult (see
above), it has gotten progressively easier over the years. When I first started
telling people, I had to be quite drunk: enough for my inhibitions to have
decided to take the night off, but not enough for me to be completely out of
control. Nowadays I don’t need to be drunk, but I’m still ludicrously nervous,
and it takes me about 10 minutes to work up the nerve.
Even now, when I’m only writing this down and not actually
having to face anyone, I have a knot in my stomach, my mouth is dry, and my
heart is racing. Hence the unnecessarily long build-up. It’ll probably take me
a few more days to actually post this once I’ve written the final draft. Yes,
there have been multiple drafts.
“Enough,” I hear you cry. “Out with it already!”
Fine. Most of you will have probably figured out what I’m
trying to say by now, but…
I’m…
*cough*
Erm…
Anyone want a cup of tea before we do this?
I…
Erm…
I’m gay.
Aaaargh. Why is that so hard to say? Still, it’s out there
now. Yay me.
First of all, I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I couldn’t tell
everyone in person. I’m sorry to all those people I wanted to tell in person
but just never quite managed it. I’m sorry that this is the way I’ve chosen to
tell everyone (although I do think it’s the easiest way). I’m sorry if any of
you have reacted negatively to this, and I’m sorry, but that really isn’t my
problem.
Why am I choosing to come out now? Because being in the
closet makes me thoroughly miserable. (As an aside, what a ridiculous euphemism.)
I first started trying to come out about nine years ago. As I
said earlier, when I first started, it took a fair bit of alcohol and a lot of
mental preparation to do it. But it felt really good. (Until the morning after
when I felt the natural consequences for the previous night’s idiocy.) Then,
about eight years ago, I became a Christian. My progress stalled because I
thought that telling people I was a Christian was more important and that
trying to blend all the news into one would not be helpful.
Suddenly I felt like I couldn’t come out. Being part of the
church meant more to me than I ever imagined anything would, and I was
terrified of losing it. Some people might be offended that I felt that way, and
hopefully one of the results of this post will be that my fears will be proven
completely and utterly groundless. But I hope that you can understand why I
felt that way.
However needless that fear may or may not prove to have been,
it was very real, and it led me into a few very dark places. Eventually, I
realised that I needed to get out of those places. So in the last few years,
I’ve tried coming out some more. I’ve not always been successful. Even when I
have it’s been completely terrifying. But I’ve gotten through it. I didn’t even
have to get drunk! The people I came out to were, and still are, incredibly
supportive, and I am so grateful to have such great people around me. But as I’ve done
that, I’ve realised what a lonely, depressing, and negative place the closet
is.
So why am I choosing to come out now? I’m tired of being in
the closet. I’m tired of worrying what people would think of me if they knew.
I’m tired of feeling like I can’t be myself in certain places or around certain
people. (Not that it’s really gonna make a huge difference to how I behave.)
Simply put, I’m tired of feeling crappy about myself because
of who I am. Maybe I’m making a bigger deal out of this than I need to. I wish
it wasn’t such a big deal for me. But it is, and here we are.
If you’ve read this far, thank you. There's so much more I could say about this, but I really don't feel like writing it, and I guess I can say it in person to anyone who wants to hear it.
I don’t know if I should expect feedback, or if I even want
any. It may not be apparent, even to those that know me, but I’m not in the
best place right now, so if there is any, I can’t promise I’ll engage with it.
But I’ll try.
